Copeland's Corner: October 11, 2022
Why is the bar so low for men when it comes to child rearing?
Last Saturday night, I opened my fifth solo play, Grandma & Me: An Ode to Single Parents, to the thunderous applause of a very kind live audience in San Francisco. The play is about how my grandmother took on my sisters and I after our mother died (we ranged in age from 1 to 15 at the time) all by herself at the age of 57. It’s an “emotional autopsy” of sorts that explores how she did it and how we all ended up okay. All five of us are currently productive members of societies with families of our own.
I compare and contrast my analysis of Grandma’s experience with my own, twenty years later when, after a divorce, I became the custodial parent of my three young children. Mine ranged in age from 6 to 12 at the time. I look at the resources I had that my grandmother didn’t. I was broke (temporary) while she was poor (indefinite). I had credit and connections to feed the kids and keep them in their house and in their school, while Grandma did everything from recycle newspapers to sell our things at the local flea market to sell Avon products in order to feed and clothe us. The biggest difference was that while there were some who were sympathetic to my grandmother’s plight and did what they could to help her carry that enormous burden, most were indifferent as it was a time when society was particularly hostile toward single women raising kids. Ronald Reagan’s “welfare queen” mythology was taken as gospel by a large segment of Americans. It was specifically directed at women of color.
I, on the other hand, was patted on the back and treated as a hero for doing the same thing she did and having an easier job of it. My question is, why is the bar so low for men when it comes to child rearing?
While Grandma got no kudos or expressions of admiration for what she was doing, I received a chorus of, “good job,” “good for you” and “what an amazing man you are” for taking care of my own children. Single mothers in this society are looked upon as character deficient. They couldn’t keep a marriage together. They’re scarlet women who’ve had children out of wedlock. They’re scamming the government in order to get more money from social services by having more babies.
Single fathers, on the other hand, are treated as though they’re doing something extraordinary by performing the simplest parent-related tasks. I have married male friends with young children who tell me stories of receiving pats on the back for taking their kids to the park alone or driving them to ballet practice. It’s a sexist double standard that I don’t understand.
Perhaps it’s in the numbers. According to the Pew Research Center, almost a quarter of American children (23%) under the age of 18 live with one parent and no other adults. That’s triple the number of children in that situation around the world (7%). According to the 2020 census, 80% of those households are led by woman while only 20% are headed by men. That’s four times the number of single mothers as there are single fathers. Is it the “novelty” of seeing a father changing a diaper or packing school lunches and chaperoning a field trip or being a “room parent” at his child’s school that prompts such outsized praise?
Then there’s economics. The overwhelming majority of single fathers work while the number of working single mothers is significantly smaller. Men are typically (and unfairly) paid more than women for doing the same job. Is the bar so low for us because we are typically in a situation where we can afford childcare and a significant number of single moms must rely on some form of state or federal assistance? That assistance feeds into the negative stereotypes about single moms.
Whatever the reason for the disparity, single mothers deserve respect, not demonization. THEY ARE THE ONES WHO STAYED. They do the best job they possibly can, by themselves and most of the time, they pull it off successfully. How about giving them a little of the praise and esteem that they deserve for that?
GRANDMA & ME: An Ode to Single Parents runs Fridays at 7:30 PM and Saturdays at 5 PM at the Marsh theater in San Francisco. For tickets, go to www.themarsh.org.